I messed everything up with The Girl.
We had gotten really close, she knows how I feel about her, but she has totally put me in the friendzone. Which is not where I want to be but seems the best I’m going to get.
Well, if I haven’t fucked it up too much.
Chatting on Facebook messenger this evening and she sends me a simple stupid personality quiz thingy.
What’s your best quality? – Kindness, as it happens.
I reply “I don’t have an good qualities”
The rest of the conversation becomes about how she thinks I bully myself, how horribly I treat myself.
She’s trying to help, she called me beautiful inside and out. She tells me not to give up.
But I can not give her the answer she obviously wants.
She said she’s getting upset. Says good night.
Now I don’t know what to do.
I knew I was in a bad mood today. I wanted to steer clear of any conversations like that, to avoid a situation like that from happing.
But I failed. I sad something nasty about myself and she jumped on it before I realised what I had done.
Now she’s upset with me. I’m upset with me.
I’ve made a right mess of this haven’t I?
So now its late. She’ll be asleep. I’m laying on the sofa, brain too wired to sleep. Body tired, wants bed. Shoulder hurting too much move.
Oh yeah the shoulder. Different post I think!
The way The Girl spoke to me on chat this evening reminds me of things the ex used to say to me.
She used to get so mad at me for the things I said about myself and my inability to change.
Now The Girl is doing it without us being in a relationship. Chance blown me thinks.
I know they mean good. They do it because they care.
And the most annoying thing in the world right now is that I know they are right.
I see it all in myself.
I see it and I hate it.
But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know how to help someone whom I hate. And I hate me.