I screwed it all up

I messed everything up with The Girl.

We had gotten really close, she knows how I feel about her, but she has totally put me in the friendzone. Which is not where I want to be but seems the best I’m going to get.
Well, if I haven’t fucked it up too much.

Chatting on Facebook messenger this evening and she sends me a simple stupid personality quiz thingy.
What’s your best quality? – Kindness, as it happens.
I reply “I don’t have an good qualities”
The rest of the conversation becomes about how she thinks I bully myself, how horribly I treat myself.
She’s trying to help, she called me beautiful inside and out. She tells me not to give up.
But I can not give her the answer she obviously wants.
She said she’s getting upset. Says good night.

Now I don’t know what to do.

I knew I was in a bad mood today. I wanted to steer clear of any conversations like that, to avoid a situation like that from happing.
But I failed. I sad something nasty about myself and she jumped on it before I realised what I had done.
Now she’s upset with me. I’m upset with me.
I’ve made a right mess of this haven’t I?

So now its late. She’ll be asleep. I’m laying on the sofa, brain too wired to sleep. Body tired, wants bed. Shoulder hurting too much move.
Oh yeah the shoulder. Different post I think!

The way The Girl spoke to me on chat this evening reminds me of things the ex used to say to me.
She used to get so mad at me for the things I said about myself and my inability to change.
Now The Girl is doing it without us being in a relationship. Chance blown me thinks.
I know they mean good. They do it because they care.

And the most annoying thing in the world right now is that I know they are right.

I see it all in myself.
I see it and I hate it.

But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know how to help someone whom I hate. And I hate me.

Apologies & thank you’s.

This past week has seen me apologise a few times.
But I also have a lot of people to say thank you too. Some are good friends. Some are new friends. Some have read this blog. Some haven’t. Some are complete strangers. But I have been contacted with messages of encouragement. Offers to meet, chat, over a coffee (yuk, tea for me please)
Some have sent me links to websites that have helped them. Someone went to quite a lot of effort to dig out a reddit page, motivational pictures, videos etc all to try and help.
So to everyone who has got in touch over the last week, I thank you.

My mood hasn’t really improved, I have tried faking a better one when required (fake it till you make?) But even with all that and some good news, I’m still not happy.

Tonight, I’ll be seeing the guy I had a go at the other week, going to apologise as best I can.

I’m a mess…

One day I might write a post about my past. This is not that post.
This post is about this weekend.

On Wednesday I had an unwanted text argument with my ex. This left me in a pretty down mood for the rest of the week.
I was invited out by some new friends for a night of drinking and dancing on Saturday night. The problem was I still wasn’t really in a very good mood. Thinking that going out would help, I went. It didn’t.

At around 1am I had a little confrontation with one of the group. I shouldn’t have done, it wasn’t his fault, he was just joking around. The problem was me. Instead of saying something, I bottled it up and bottled it up until, at 1am, I snapped at him, got angry, threatened him (not the best idea at the best of times, but he’s a police officer just trying to enjoy his evening out) then i walked out of the club and walked home. Over an hour walk in the rain.

The reason? I’m not totally sure.
Its not the first time I’ve done something like this. Been having moments like this, masive mood swings, for years. Probably wont be the last.
Doing a bit of self diagnosis, I think I’m bipolar.

A actual mental fucking illness.

Could be depression, but I fit bipolar a little too well. My manic episodes are maybe not as manic as some but I believe I get them.
And the depression. Well, that hits hard.
So I spent last night and most of today, laying in my bed thinking, sleeping, thinking, crying, sleeping crying, repeat…
I have no energy, no desire to move or eat. I deleted my Facebook account. Emailed all my new found friends and told them I didn’t want to speak to them any more or go out on any more nights out with them. I unsubscribed to the group that I met them all through.
Generally a very destructive day.

I know I should feel sad, or happy or something about this but I don’t. I feel nothing. Complete fucking ambivalence.
These are good people who I have told I want nothing else to do with them, no fault of there’s at all. Just me and my stupid fucking brain.

Rethink mental illness website has a list of signs & symptoms for both mania and depression sides, and well, I fit most.
I’m going to speak to my gp about this as soon as I can. Am I right? What help is there?

Maybe I won’t write about my past. Maybe I will concentrate on the here and now, with an eye on creating a better future. Forget about the past.
Then again, maybe writing about my past will help me overcome this.

Now I truly don’t care if anyone actually reads this or not, because it helps me to write down my feelings so I’m going to keep writing regardless.
So you are more than welcome to join me in my quest to find out what’s wrong with me and my attempts to be happy.