I haven’t written in ages. Reason why is just that I’m very ill disciplined when it comes to things like this.
I don’t know why. Nothing else I’m doing makes much difference so why not spare a few minutes to write something eh?
Since the last update, life has been more ups and downs.
My role at work is uncertain, I’ve been told they will find me another role but as they seem quite useless in all other areas I am starting to panic. I do dislike Bristol so maybe I should take this as an opportunity to get away. Start over again.
But where? How? Doing what? I have absolutely no answers to these right now.
Over the last few weeks I have seen my mood lift. Been receiving a lot of really wonderful help and advice from The Girl. However, today my mood nosed dived for some reason.
This morning I was grumpy and lazy. This afternoon I sent a message to The Girl with every intention of it being the last time I talk to her for a few weeks or so. Deleted my Facebook. Cried in a dark room.
Today a fucking mess.
It was The Girl who pulled me back. She called. We talked. I cried again. She made me laugh. I feel less like punching something just to feel something.
I was meant to be going to a thing tomorrow. For various reasons, transport there has been awkward to arrange.
I could’ve sorted it easily. Didn’t. Left it and left it. Then today’s meltdown has meant the I absolutely can not make it now.
That’s upset me. 1, that I’m too fucking useless to sort something out and 2, ‘cos The Girl will be there.
She rejected me. Shot me down. Wasn’t interested.
Still can’t get her out of my head.
I am in no fit state to be dating and she isn’t interested anyway.
I’ve got to learn to take what I’ve got and be thankful for it.
Ah so she has figured it out.
A long, somewhat rambling message where she dances around the issue, but essentially says she is not interested but everything stays the same. Saying that I am a part of the group and that’s not going to change.
How am I feeling about that? I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t hurt. It does. But it could’ve been a lot lot worse.
The way she skirted around the subject, bringing it back to her, makes me think she really doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. That she is just in a different place in her life. I fully understand where she is coming from. Life is going well for her at the moment and I’m not going to begrudge that.
She is such a fantastic person that I really hope that everything stays good between us.
So the last post I made didn’t post online for some reason.
Was mostly me bitching about not being able to sleep. Being awake at 4 with my brain running at 1000mph with no sign of slowing down or changing to a more, interesting, more nice topic.
But this entry is about a girl.
A girl who doesn’t know I like her.
I just danced with this girl.
I just watched this girl dance.
This girl is pretty.
This girl is fun, kooky, goofy, and has such a great, guilty looking smile.
She has helped me through some tough times.
Given me great advice.
But this girl is tied in with a fantastic group of people. A fantastic group of friends.
Do I risk the friendship with the girl, with the group? Or do I not show my interests and leave everything as awesome as it already is?
Yeah, I know this isn’t really about my depression, about the whole bipolar thing or not, but it is about my inability to make a choice. My inability to do anything without over thinking it.
Written at about 4 sambuca’s in. Oh and some tequila. Beer. Cider.
I haven’t posted for awhile. I find it very hard to keep up with things like this.
Its a worry I have with regards to CBT.
I have seen the mental health guy.
Depending on your opinion that went well/bad.
I don’t feel he asked many relivent questions. He said at the end he didn’t feel there was much wrong.
This is not the answer I was hoping for.
Something is wrong. These fucking mood swings have always happened. Have always help ruin my life.
I have been content for the last few weeks but now, I’ve been awake since just before 4:00 and I can not sleep, can not stop thinking about things. Can’t stop thinking about what that stupid mental health guy said, and how it went, and his college with her fucking horrible limp handshake. And how she interrupted me but I didn’t snap at her. Why didn’t I snap, I hate when people interrupt.
I can’t stop thinking about other times my mood has been low. Jobs I’ve quit. Dropping out of college. Getting kicked out of school. Storming out from a night out. Arguing with the girlfriend and how those moods led to us breaking up.
So I’m sitting on my bed at 4:00am writing this and crying.
My next blog post was going to be a thank you post, but that can wait.
I did get to speak to my gp and he told me he would refer me to the local mental health team.
Well today I had a call from them, didn’t go too well.
We discussed recent stuff, past stuff, mood swings, eating & sleeping habits, anger issues so on and so on. At one point she interrupted me, talked back at me, so I got angry with her, shouted at her and hung up.
This past week has seen me apologise a few times.
But I also have a lot of people to say thank you too. Some are good friends. Some are new friends. Some have read this blog. Some haven’t. Some are complete strangers. But I have been contacted with messages of encouragement. Offers to meet, chat, over a coffee (yuk, tea for me please)
Some have sent me links to websites that have helped them. Someone went to quite a lot of effort to dig out a reddit page, motivational pictures, videos etc all to try and help.
So to everyone who has got in touch over the last week, I thank you.
My mood hasn’t really improved, I have tried faking a better one when required (fake it till you make?) But even with all that and some good news, I’m still not happy.
Tonight, I’ll be seeing the guy I had a go at the other week, going to apologise as best I can.
I called my gp surgery this morning.
Receptionist said they had no appointments for today, I asked about booking one for the later in the week or even next, was told they don’t do that, I would have to try my luck in the morning. I got very angry very quickly, called them useless, hung up, shoved my keyboard across my desk. Spent the next few hours in a foul mood.
The lets talk website, looks like it would be helpful, but with a 0800 number and me being on a mobile only, I emailed them but they just told me to either call them or visit my gp. Great. Just what I want in the mood I was in.
I was chatting to someone at work today. I hated the way I was talking to her. So sickly sweat and nice. All completely fake.
I hate myself for always faking being happy like that.
However on the plus side, I have arranged to go for a coffee (yuk) with one of the new friends and might be thinking of going to the group where I met these new friends again. Maybe.