Me. About me. Not all of me, my memory isn’t that good.

I haven’t written on here in a very long time. Probably because I’m actually doing pretty well.
But told my head is in a odd place, not depressed I don’t think. Just not right.
But I got thinking about me, so I thought I would post a little about me.
An honest post about me.

So here goes.

Early 30’s straight, male.
More than a little bit of a tart.
Have lost friends and alienated people through some of my actions. Saying no more on that front.
I can’t grow a beard (I have beard envy)
What does grow, I shave about once a week.
I like to go to the gym and keep fit. I do Tough Mudder events.
I own a pink shirt.
I prefer wine over beer. Cocktails over spirits.
I like loud, heavy metal music and the mosh pits that come with them.
I like at least 2 Taylor Swift songs.

Huge TV and movie fan.
Pitch Perfect is legitimately one of my favourite films. Of all time.

I love cars and motorsports.
I have tried to learn to dance, I’m not very good but I enjoyed it.

I own 2 sock monkeys. 1 has his own twitter account. He’s not alone out there 😉

I feel I could add more of my oddities and contradictions so I may edit this and repost in the future. But for now, I’m off to drink wine, eat ice cream, cuddle my monkey (not a euphemism) and watch/sing along to Pitch Perfect

A short one

This is more of a list of things going on in my life at the moment.
Something’s I want to chance, some things nothing can be done about.

So a few weeks ago I had surgery on my clavicle, it all went well and I’m positive it’ll all work out well, however at the moment its still rather painful and weak.

I hate my job but have no idea what I really what to be doing.

I hate the accommodation where I live and really dislike Bristol.

I have no money, and yet more bills piling up.

My uncle died today. I’m not great, mum is distraught.

I’ve gotten incredibly close with The Girl over the last few months. Nothing has happened, she says she doesn’t feel it. She wants us to just stay friends. Also in about 30 days she leaves the country for 18 months or longer.

The Shoulder

Short and gross this one.

The shoulder. Sometime last year I fell off my road bike. All on my own I might add. Epic fuck up.
Landed hard, snapped my right clavicle (collarbone)
Quack told me 4 – 6 weeks off work. 4 months before I did. I was never happy with the state of it but NBristol refused to do anything about it.
Easter this year, broke it again. Same place. Mountain bike.

A mentioned in a previous post that I was due to have a CT Scan on my shoulder.
Well I went to get the result. I’ve never met the consultant before, he is shacking his head while looking at the screen, then turns to me says “This scan, its fucking useless”
I was a little taken aback, bloody funny though. Fantastic bloke, so clear and honest. Language is colourful.

Anyway, he looked at it and decided it needed the surgery.
ORIF – Open Reduction, Internal Fixation.
Cut me open, cut nerves. Break the bone again. Chisel bits off. Saw the ends off so it all lines up nicely. Drill some holes. Screw the plate in place and sew me back together.
Very neat handy work. Much neater than the result of the last op I had. Big ugly scar across my stomach.

So I’m now in recovery mode. No work, staying with family. Its kinda like hell.
Can’t wait till I can get back to trying to be fit, ready for Tough Mudder.
At least 2 next year. And I will do the Monkey bar obstacle!

p.s I did a Tough Mudder just a few days before the surgery. At least then if I was to damage my should, Doc will sort me.

p.p.s The Girl did it with me! Fantastic weekend we had together.

I screwed it all up

I messed everything up with The Girl.

We had gotten really close, she knows how I feel about her, but she has totally put me in the friendzone. Which is not where I want to be but seems the best I’m going to get.
Well, if I haven’t fucked it up too much.

Chatting on Facebook messenger this evening and she sends me a simple stupid personality quiz thingy.
What’s your best quality? – Kindness, as it happens.
I reply “I don’t have an good qualities”
The rest of the conversation becomes about how she thinks I bully myself, how horribly I treat myself.
She’s trying to help, she called me beautiful inside and out. She tells me not to give up.
But I can not give her the answer she obviously wants.
She said she’s getting upset. Says good night.

Now I don’t know what to do.

I knew I was in a bad mood today. I wanted to steer clear of any conversations like that, to avoid a situation like that from happing.
But I failed. I sad something nasty about myself and she jumped on it before I realised what I had done.
Now she’s upset with me. I’m upset with me.
I’ve made a right mess of this haven’t I?

So now its late. She’ll be asleep. I’m laying on the sofa, brain too wired to sleep. Body tired, wants bed. Shoulder hurting too much move.
Oh yeah the shoulder. Different post I think!

The way The Girl spoke to me on chat this evening reminds me of things the ex used to say to me.
She used to get so mad at me for the things I said about myself and my inability to change.
Now The Girl is doing it without us being in a relationship. Chance blown me thinks.
I know they mean good. They do it because they care.

And the most annoying thing in the world right now is that I know they are right.

I see it all in myself.
I see it and I hate it.

But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know how to help someone whom I hate. And I hate me.

Camping weekend

Okay, so in my last blog post I said I would try and write more often, this has obviously not happened.

Some of the reasons for this is, as I said the last time out, I’m damn good at procrastinating.
But also, something has happened and its leaving me rather confused. Unfortunately, I am unwilling to discuss it here. Its not a bad thing, it is in fact a very good thing, its just unexpected and not exactly what I wanted. As I’m writing this I am realising how much of a good thing it could be, and how much of a douche I am for allowing it to happen, but being unable to commit fully.

Instead of discussing that any more, I want to talk about something else that was good.

I’ve still not been very happy. My shoulder is still hurting, the clavicle is still weak. This combined with my general grumpy outlook and dislike of others means I’m still struggling with many things in life. Mostly, being social.

Well the other week I went away for the weekend marshalling. The weather was pretty wet most of the weekend.
I have spoken in the past about the group, they are a very close group, of which I am on the outside off. Well this weekend I felt more, on the edge of the group. I felt more like I was part of the group.
I had a hospital appointment on the Friday morning (going to have a ct scan on my shoulder. Yay!)
This allowed me to pick up the one member of the group who doesn’t drive.
She lives between where I was and where we were going.

The whole weekend was spent with someone from the group. Either on post with some, or relaxing with a beer or two with some. And being a bank holiday meant staying around Sunday night. Monday morning was very nice, relaxing in the morning sun. Slowly packing everything up, rather than the normal Sunday evening rush to pack and get home.

After we left, me and The Girl headed into town to do a little bit of shopping. It was nice showing her around somewhere she’s never been, somewhere I used to live.
We went for lunch (Nando’s, yum) and just generally had a nice chilled out day before going our separate ways home.

I don’t know what came first, me relaxing more around them, or them including me more, making me feel more relaxed. It doesn’t matter.
I’ve always enjoyed spending time with these people but this was one of the best weekends for me as regards to my mood.

Fingers crossed it means something.
Now, if only I could stop screwing everything up…

Breakthrough. Of sorts

A breakthrough. Sorta. But no matter how small, these things need to be celebrated.
Celebrate the good. Never dwell on the bad.
I’m trying to learn this but it is taking time.

There are many things in my life I am unhappy with. Some elicit stronger feeling from me than others. Some are higher up the list of things I want to change. Something’s I can not change but yet still worry about.
Unfortunately, I’m a damn good procrastinator.

These last few days haven’t been great.
As well as a breakthrough there has been a break.
Easter Friday I fell off my mountain bike. Collarbone. Clavicle. Hurts like hell. Quick trip to a&e leaves everyone a little confused. Its not obviously broken. Everyone’s best guess is I have cracked it in the same place I snapped it 10 months ago.
Great. Lots of pain. More time of work. More sitting around with my own thoughts.
Today I let things get to me. I’ve been grumpy all day. Snappy. Bored of everything. Absent minded when talking to people.
After crying and reading a few Tiny Buddha blog posts and chatting to The Girl I am feeling better able to cope with my day.

One day at a time.

So the breakthrough.
I am meant to be going out tonight for a leaving meal and drinks.
I’m not a social animal at the best of times and today is not a good day.
Yet I feel able to go. I am feeling up for it. I’m not looking forward to it. But I am not going to hide in my room and ignore the world.

If I am going to change my life for the better.
If I am going to get a job I enjoy.
If I am going to be a happy person, a person someone would want a relationship with, then I have to start somewhere.
So I started with this blog.
Realising something was wrong and that I needed to do something about it.

This is me. Improving myself. Mistakes and failures. Good days and bad.

I’m going to make a real effort to write more often.
It’ll help me. Hopefully it may help others.
I’m going to make a real effort to improve myself.
Babysteps.

“Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up”
Thomas Wayne
Batman Begins

Mistake after mistake

When I was younger I used the phrase mistake after mistake quite a lot. Used it as emails and log in details on things.

I used it as I was always making mistakes. And one nearly always led to another. Mistake followed fuck up followed bad idea.

I did bad at school because of it. Lost friends. Upset people. Ended up in debt.

I haven’t used the phrase for awhile. Probably because I made a good choice. I started to see someone.
Oddly, she was someone who I had treated badly years before.
Actually, when I started seeing her I had very recently made some mistakes and upset a few people by being with this girl. This started the longest relationship I have had. The most grown up one I’ve had too.

She was good for me. She helped turn me into a better person. Unfortunately not into a good enough person it seems.

Our relationship died after more than six years. A mostly pain free breakup  (the pain came before and after the breakup.)

So I found myself single once again. And as has been partially documented in the previous post, in a rather bad place in life.

This week the phrase mistake after mistake has surfaced again as log in details for a website I haven’t used in a while. And what a week to resurface.

Life has been up and down. The universe gives and she takes away.
My car that has been dead has been resurrected, but then my push bike got stolen on the one night I leave it outside. Yes it was locked up.

I left the bike outside so I would have more space for a visitor.

The Girl.
She come to visit for the weekend.
It was a truly fantastic weekend. Exploring the town. Having a drink and lunch on a barge in the harbour.
The evening saw us having more to drink, watch some local bands. Then dancing the night away till 3. She’s a good dancer and was teaching me in the club. Very fun.

Sunday was spent laying on the bed watching Bill Murray films. Pub for tea, then was time for her to leave.

No mistakes in that weekend at all.
The mistakes come on Monday, when I plucked up the courage to finally tell her how I really feel.
A mistake. I’m not in a fit state mentally to be dating. And I was really happy with what we had.
But I went and did it anyway.
Being the wonderful person she is, she was very sweet and kind but rejection still hurts.
I didn’t talk to her for a while, when I did things started out OK, but then for some reason I insulted her choice of boyfriends. Why I did this I don’t know. Another mistake.
I said sorry but I fear it was too little too late.
I have not heard from her since. This hurts more than the rejection. The fear that I may have hurt this wonderful person. Fear that I may lose her as a friend. I know it is unlikely we will be as close as we were before, but I really don’t want to lose her.

Mistake after mistake.

I always seem to find some dumb way to screw my life up and hurt others in the process.

Wow this one’s a bit down

I haven’t written in ages. Reason why is just that I’m very ill disciplined when it comes to things like this.
I don’t know why. Nothing else I’m doing makes much difference so why not spare a few minutes to write something eh?

Since the last update, life has been more ups and downs.
My role at work is uncertain, I’ve been told they will find me another role but as they seem quite useless in all other areas I am starting to panic. I do dislike Bristol so maybe I should take this as an opportunity to get away. Start over again.
But where? How? Doing what? I have absolutely no answers to these right now.

Over the last few weeks I have seen my mood lift. Been receiving a lot of really wonderful help and advice from The Girl. However, today my mood nosed dived for some reason.
This morning I was grumpy and lazy. This afternoon I sent a message to The Girl with every intention of it being the last time I talk to her for a few weeks or so. Deleted my Facebook. Cried in a dark room.

One day.
Yesterday OK.
Today a fucking mess.

It was The Girl who pulled me back. She called. We talked. I cried again. She made me laugh. I feel less like punching something just to feel something.

I was meant to be going to a thing tomorrow. For various reasons, transport there has been awkward to arrange.
I could’ve sorted it easily. Didn’t. Left it and left it. Then today’s meltdown has meant the I absolutely can not make it now.
That’s upset me. 1, that I’m too fucking useless to sort something out and 2, ‘cos The Girl will be there.

She rejected me. Shot me down. Wasn’t interested.
Still can’t get her out of my head.

I am in no fit state to be dating and she isn’t interested anyway.

I’ve got to learn to take what I’ve got and be thankful for it.

A girl. Part 2

Ah so she has figured it out.

A long, somewhat rambling message where she dances around the issue, but essentially says she is not interested but everything stays the same. Saying that I am a part of the group and that’s not going to change.

How am I feeling about that? I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t hurt. It does. But it could’ve been a lot lot worse.
The way she skirted around the subject, bringing it back to her, makes me think she really doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. That she is just in a different place in her life. I fully understand where she is coming from. Life is going well for her at the moment and I’m not going to begrudge that.

She is such a fantastic person that I really hope that everything stays good between us.

A girl. A drunken man’s rambling.

So the last post I made didn’t post online for some reason.
Was mostly me bitching about not being able to sleep. Being awake at 4 with my brain running at 1000mph with no sign of slowing down or changing to a more, interesting, more nice topic.

But this entry is about a girl.
A girl who doesn’t know I like her.

I just danced with this girl.
I just watched this girl dance.

This girl is pretty.
This girl is fun, kooky, goofy, and has such a great, guilty looking smile.
She has helped me through some tough times.
Given me great advice.

But this girl is tied in with a fantastic group of people. A fantastic group of friends.

Do I risk the friendship with the girl, with the group? Or do I not show my interests and leave everything as awesome as it already is?

Yeah, I know this isn’t really about my depression, about the whole bipolar thing or not, but it is about my inability to make a choice. My inability to do anything without over thinking it.

Written at about 4 sambuca’s in. Oh and some tequila. Beer. Cider.