A short one

This is more of a list of things going on in my life at the moment.
Something’s I want to chance, some things nothing can be done about.

So a few weeks ago I had surgery on my clavicle, it all went well and I’m positive it’ll all work out well, however at the moment its still rather painful and weak.

I hate my job but have no idea what I really what to be doing.

I hate the accommodation where I live and really dislike Bristol.

I have no money, and yet more bills piling up.

My uncle died today. I’m not great, mum is distraught.

I’ve gotten incredibly close with The Girl over the last few months. Nothing has happened, she says she doesn’t feel it. She wants us to just stay friends. Also in about 30 days she leaves the country for 18 months or longer.

The Shoulder

Short and gross this one.

The shoulder. Sometime last year I fell off my road bike. All on my own I might add. Epic fuck up.
Landed hard, snapped my right clavicle (collarbone)
Quack told me 4 – 6 weeks off work. 4 months before I did. I was never happy with the state of it but NBristol refused to do anything about it.
Easter this year, broke it again. Same place. Mountain bike.

A mentioned in a previous post that I was due to have a CT Scan on my shoulder.
Well I went to get the result. I’ve never met the consultant before, he is shacking his head while looking at the screen, then turns to me says “This scan, its fucking useless”
I was a little taken aback, bloody funny though. Fantastic bloke, so clear and honest. Language is colourful.

Anyway, he looked at it and decided it needed the surgery.
ORIF – Open Reduction, Internal Fixation.
Cut me open, cut nerves. Break the bone again. Chisel bits off. Saw the ends off so it all lines up nicely. Drill some holes. Screw the plate in place and sew me back together.
Very neat handy work. Much neater than the result of the last op I had. Big ugly scar across my stomach.

So I’m now in recovery mode. No work, staying with family. Its kinda like hell.
Can’t wait till I can get back to trying to be fit, ready for Tough Mudder.
At least 2 next year. And I will do the Monkey bar obstacle!

p.s I did a Tough Mudder just a few days before the surgery. At least then if I was to damage my should, Doc will sort me.

p.p.s The Girl did it with me! Fantastic weekend we had together.

I screwed it all up

I messed everything up with The Girl.

We had gotten really close, she knows how I feel about her, but she has totally put me in the friendzone. Which is not where I want to be but seems the best I’m going to get.
Well, if I haven’t fucked it up too much.

Chatting on Facebook messenger this evening and she sends me a simple stupid personality quiz thingy.
What’s your best quality? – Kindness, as it happens.
I reply “I don’t have an good qualities”
The rest of the conversation becomes about how she thinks I bully myself, how horribly I treat myself.
She’s trying to help, she called me beautiful inside and out. She tells me not to give up.
But I can not give her the answer she obviously wants.
She said she’s getting upset. Says good night.

Now I don’t know what to do.

I knew I was in a bad mood today. I wanted to steer clear of any conversations like that, to avoid a situation like that from happing.
But I failed. I sad something nasty about myself and she jumped on it before I realised what I had done.
Now she’s upset with me. I’m upset with me.
I’ve made a right mess of this haven’t I?

So now its late. She’ll be asleep. I’m laying on the sofa, brain too wired to sleep. Body tired, wants bed. Shoulder hurting too much move.
Oh yeah the shoulder. Different post I think!

The way The Girl spoke to me on chat this evening reminds me of things the ex used to say to me.
She used to get so mad at me for the things I said about myself and my inability to change.
Now The Girl is doing it without us being in a relationship. Chance blown me thinks.
I know they mean good. They do it because they care.

And the most annoying thing in the world right now is that I know they are right.

I see it all in myself.
I see it and I hate it.

But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know how to help someone whom I hate. And I hate me.