When I was younger I used the phrase mistake after mistake quite a lot. Used it as emails and log in details on things.
I used it as I was always making mistakes. And one nearly always led to another. Mistake followed fuck up followed bad idea.
I did bad at school because of it. Lost friends. Upset people. Ended up in debt.
I haven’t used the phrase for awhile. Probably because I made a good choice. I started to see someone.
Oddly, she was someone who I had treated badly years before.
Actually, when I started seeing her I had very recently made some mistakes and upset a few people by being with this girl. This started the longest relationship I have had. The most grown up one I’ve had too.
She was good for me. She helped turn me into a better person. Unfortunately not into a good enough person it seems.
Our relationship died after more than six years. A mostly pain free breakup (the pain came before and after the breakup.)
So I found myself single once again. And as has been partially documented in the previous post, in a rather bad place in life.
This week the phrase mistake after mistake has surfaced again as log in details for a website I haven’t used in a while. And what a week to resurface.
Life has been up and down. The universe gives and she takes away.
My car that has been dead has been resurrected, but then my push bike got stolen on the one night I leave it outside. Yes it was locked up.
I left the bike outside so I would have more space for a visitor.
She come to visit for the weekend.
It was a truly fantastic weekend. Exploring the town. Having a drink and lunch on a barge in the harbour.
The evening saw us having more to drink, watch some local bands. Then dancing the night away till 3. She’s a good dancer and was teaching me in the club. Very fun.
Sunday was spent laying on the bed watching Bill Murray films. Pub for tea, then was time for her to leave.
No mistakes in that weekend at all.
The mistakes come on Monday, when I plucked up the courage to finally tell her how I really feel.
A mistake. I’m not in a fit state mentally to be dating. And I was really happy with what we had.
But I went and did it anyway.
Being the wonderful person she is, she was very sweet and kind but rejection still hurts.
I didn’t talk to her for a while, when I did things started out OK, but then for some reason I insulted her choice of boyfriends. Why I did this I don’t know. Another mistake.
I said sorry but I fear it was too little too late.
I have not heard from her since. This hurts more than the rejection. The fear that I may have hurt this wonderful person. Fear that I may lose her as a friend. I know it is unlikely we will be as close as we were before, but I really don’t want to lose her.
Mistake after mistake.
I always seem to find some dumb way to screw my life up and hurt others in the process.