Mistake after mistake

When I was younger I used the phrase mistake after mistake quite a lot. Used it as emails and log in details on things.

I used it as I was always making mistakes. And one nearly always led to another. Mistake followed fuck up followed bad idea.

I did bad at school because of it. Lost friends. Upset people. Ended up in debt.

I haven’t used the phrase for awhile. Probably because I made a good choice. I started to see someone.
Oddly, she was someone who I had treated badly years before.
Actually, when I started seeing her I had very recently made some mistakes and upset a few people by being with this girl. This started the longest relationship I have had. The most grown up one I’ve had too.

She was good for me. She helped turn me into a better person. Unfortunately not into a good enough person it seems.

Our relationship died after more than six years. A mostly pain free breakup  (the pain came before and after the breakup.)

So I found myself single once again. And as has been partially documented in the previous post, in a rather bad place in life.

This week the phrase mistake after mistake has surfaced again as log in details for a website I haven’t used in a while. And what a week to resurface.

Life has been up and down. The universe gives and she takes away.
My car that has been dead has been resurrected, but then my push bike got stolen on the one night I leave it outside. Yes it was locked up.

I left the bike outside so I would have more space for a visitor.

The Girl.
She come to visit for the weekend.
It was a truly fantastic weekend. Exploring the town. Having a drink and lunch on a barge in the harbour.
The evening saw us having more to drink, watch some local bands. Then dancing the night away till 3. She’s a good dancer and was teaching me in the club. Very fun.

Sunday was spent laying on the bed watching Bill Murray films. Pub for tea, then was time for her to leave.

No mistakes in that weekend at all.
The mistakes come on Monday, when I plucked up the courage to finally tell her how I really feel.
A mistake. I’m not in a fit state mentally to be dating. And I was really happy with what we had.
But I went and did it anyway.
Being the wonderful person she is, she was very sweet and kind but rejection still hurts.
I didn’t talk to her for a while, when I did things started out OK, but then for some reason I insulted her choice of boyfriends. Why I did this I don’t know. Another mistake.
I said sorry but I fear it was too little too late.
I have not heard from her since. This hurts more than the rejection. The fear that I may have hurt this wonderful person. Fear that I may lose her as a friend. I know it is unlikely we will be as close as we were before, but I really don’t want to lose her.

Mistake after mistake.

I always seem to find some dumb way to screw my life up and hurt others in the process.

Wow this one’s a bit down

I haven’t written in ages. Reason why is just that I’m very ill disciplined when it comes to things like this.
I don’t know why. Nothing else I’m doing makes much difference so why not spare a few minutes to write something eh?

Since the last update, life has been more ups and downs.
My role at work is uncertain, I’ve been told they will find me another role but as they seem quite useless in all other areas I am starting to panic. I do dislike Bristol so maybe I should take this as an opportunity to get away. Start over again.
But where? How? Doing what? I have absolutely no answers to these right now.

Over the last few weeks I have seen my mood lift. Been receiving a lot of really wonderful help and advice from The Girl. However, today my mood nosed dived for some reason.
This morning I was grumpy and lazy. This afternoon I sent a message to The Girl with every intention of it being the last time I talk to her for a few weeks or so. Deleted my Facebook. Cried in a dark room.

One day.
Yesterday OK.
Today a fucking mess.

It was The Girl who pulled me back. She called. We talked. I cried again. She made me laugh. I feel less like punching something just to feel something.

I was meant to be going to a thing tomorrow. For various reasons, transport there has been awkward to arrange.
I could’ve sorted it easily. Didn’t. Left it and left it. Then today’s meltdown has meant the I absolutely can not make it now.
That’s upset me. 1, that I’m too fucking useless to sort something out and 2, ‘cos The Girl will be there.

She rejected me. Shot me down. Wasn’t interested.
Still can’t get her out of my head.

I am in no fit state to be dating and she isn’t interested anyway.

I’ve got to learn to take what I’ve got and be thankful for it.