Well that didn’t go well…

My next blog post was going to be a thank you post, but that can wait.

I did get to speak to my gp and he told me he would refer me to the local mental health team.
Well today I had a call from them, didn’t go too well.
We discussed recent stuff, past stuff, mood swings, eating & sleeping habits, anger issues so on and so on. At one point she interrupted me, talked back at me, so I got angry with her, shouted at her and hung up.

Apologies & thank you’s.

This past week has seen me apologise a few times.
But I also have a lot of people to say thank you too. Some are good friends. Some are new friends. Some have read this blog. Some haven’t. Some are complete strangers. But I have been contacted with messages of encouragement. Offers to meet, chat, over a coffee (yuk, tea for me please)
Some have sent me links to websites that have helped them. Someone went to quite a lot of effort to dig out a reddit page, motivational pictures, videos etc all to try and help.
So to everyone who has got in touch over the last week, I thank you.

My mood hasn’t really improved, I have tried faking a better one when required (fake it till you make?) But even with all that and some good news, I’m still not happy.

Tonight, I’ll be seeing the guy I had a go at the other week, going to apologise as best I can.

Well today was mixed

I called my gp surgery this morning.
Receptionist said they had no appointments for today, I asked about booking one for the later in the week or even next, was told they don’t do that, I would have to try my luck in the morning. I got very angry very quickly, called them useless, hung up, shoved my keyboard across my desk. Spent the next few hours in a foul mood.

The lets talk website, looks like it would be helpful, but with a 0800 number and me being on a mobile only, I emailed them but they just told me to either call them or visit my gp. Great. Just what I want in the mood I was in.

I was chatting to someone at work today. I hated the way I was talking to her. So sickly sweat and nice. All completely fake.
I hate myself for always faking being happy like that.

However on the plus side, I have arranged to go for a coffee (yuk) with one of the new friends and might be thinking of going to the group where I met these new friends again. Maybe.

I’m a mess…

One day I might write a post about my past. This is not that post.
This post is about this weekend.

On Wednesday I had an unwanted text argument with my ex. This left me in a pretty down mood for the rest of the week.
I was invited out by some new friends for a night of drinking and dancing on Saturday night. The problem was I still wasn’t really in a very good mood. Thinking that going out would help, I went. It didn’t.

At around 1am I had a little confrontation with one of the group. I shouldn’t have done, it wasn’t his fault, he was just joking around. The problem was me. Instead of saying something, I bottled it up and bottled it up until, at 1am, I snapped at him, got angry, threatened him (not the best idea at the best of times, but he’s a police officer just trying to enjoy his evening out) then i walked out of the club and walked home. Over an hour walk in the rain.

The reason? I’m not totally sure.
Its not the first time I’ve done something like this. Been having moments like this, masive mood swings, for years. Probably wont be the last.
Doing a bit of self diagnosis, I think I’m bipolar.

A actual mental fucking illness.

Could be depression, but I fit bipolar a little too well. My manic episodes are maybe not as manic as some but I believe I get them.
And the depression. Well, that hits hard.
So I spent last night and most of today, laying in my bed thinking, sleeping, thinking, crying, sleeping crying, repeat…
I have no energy, no desire to move or eat. I deleted my Facebook account. Emailed all my new found friends and told them I didn’t want to speak to them any more or go out on any more nights out with them. I unsubscribed to the group that I met them all through.
Generally a very destructive day.

I know I should feel sad, or happy or something about this but I don’t. I feel nothing. Complete fucking ambivalence.
These are good people who I have told I want nothing else to do with them, no fault of there’s at all. Just me and my stupid fucking brain.

Rethink mental illness website has a list of signs & symptoms for both mania and depression sides, and well, I fit most.
I’m going to speak to my gp about this as soon as I can. Am I right? What help is there?

Maybe I won’t write about my past. Maybe I will concentrate on the here and now, with an eye on creating a better future. Forget about the past.
Then again, maybe writing about my past will help me overcome this.

Now I truly don’t care if anyone actually reads this or not, because it helps me to write down my feelings so I’m going to keep writing regardless.
So you are more than welcome to join me in my quest to find out what’s wrong with me and my attempts to be happy.