One day I might write a post about my past. This is not that post.
This post is about this weekend.
On Wednesday I had an unwanted text argument with my ex. This left me in a pretty down mood for the rest of the week.
I was invited out by some new friends for a night of drinking and dancing on Saturday night. The problem was I still wasn’t really in a very good mood. Thinking that going out would help, I went. It didn’t.
At around 1am I had a little confrontation with one of the group. I shouldn’t have done, it wasn’t his fault, he was just joking around. The problem was me. Instead of saying something, I bottled it up and bottled it up until, at 1am, I snapped at him, got angry, threatened him (not the best idea at the best of times, but he’s a police officer just trying to enjoy his evening out) then i walked out of the club and walked home. Over an hour walk in the rain.
The reason? I’m not totally sure.
Its not the first time I’ve done something like this. Been having moments like this, masive mood swings, for years. Probably wont be the last.
Doing a bit of self diagnosis, I think I’m bipolar.
A actual mental fucking illness.
Could be depression, but I fit bipolar a little too well. My manic episodes are maybe not as manic as some but I believe I get them.
And the depression. Well, that hits hard.
So I spent last night and most of today, laying in my bed thinking, sleeping, thinking, crying, sleeping crying, repeat…
I have no energy, no desire to move or eat. I deleted my Facebook account. Emailed all my new found friends and told them I didn’t want to speak to them any more or go out on any more nights out with them. I unsubscribed to the group that I met them all through.
Generally a very destructive day.
I know I should feel sad, or happy or something about this but I don’t. I feel nothing. Complete fucking ambivalence.
These are good people who I have told I want nothing else to do with them, no fault of there’s at all. Just me and my stupid fucking brain.
Rethink mental illness website has a list of signs & symptoms for both mania and depression sides, and well, I fit most.
I’m going to speak to my gp about this as soon as I can. Am I right? What help is there?
Maybe I won’t write about my past. Maybe I will concentrate on the here and now, with an eye on creating a better future. Forget about the past.
Then again, maybe writing about my past will help me overcome this.
Now I truly don’t care if anyone actually reads this or not, because it helps me to write down my feelings so I’m going to keep writing regardless.
So you are more than welcome to join me in my quest to find out what’s wrong with me and my attempts to be happy.